“this wasn’t how it should be”

Trigger warning: sexual assault

I was drunk the night it happened. Really drunk;  we’d been putting absinthe on the top of shots and playing ring of fire and yes, I had been drinking. We were staying at someone else’s house and when it got late we all got ready for sleep, I took one of the sofas in a room full of some of my best friends and went to sleep. When I woke up, a man had his finger inside me. He was whispering obscenities in my ear. I remember trying to move and not being able to. I don’t remember how I got away, but I remember locking myself in the bathroom, and ending up sleeping there. The next morning I was ashamed, but only because I thought it was my fault for being drunk. Afterwards, a friend told me that I shouldn’t be ashamed because the man had told him I had a tight pussy, that I should be proud of that. It took me three years to realise that what happened to me wasn’t normal, that this wasn’t how it should be. I still haven’t quite got to the point where I know it wasn’t my fault. The blackness in my mind makes me doubt myself. I’m scared of telling anyone because they will question the fact that I was drunk, or ask me why it’s sexual assault if I didn’t realise it was at the time. A year after this incident I had my drink spiked. Thanks to my wonderful friends I was taken home, kept safe, and my doctors were extremely helpful. But I felt exactly the same the next morning as I had after that night. I’ll never know if I was spiked, or it was just that much alcohol that made it feel the same, but I’ll always have my doubts. Luckily feminism taught me that being drunk is not an excuse for a man to invade my body. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I know I’m tired of holding this within me; of knowing that if I told certain people I would be greeted with “really”. It’s what makes me fight so hard for women’s rights, to the point where I reach exhaustion, because one day I just want to tell the people around me what happened to me and have them say “I believe you”.

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