“I trusted him”

*Trigger warning rape/assault*

 

My friend was my rapist. I trusted him and would have never thought he would do a thing like this, I should have reported it but I was scared that nobody would believe me, I was scared that my name would be dragged though the papers and I was scared of their not being enough evidence. We were all on a night out in a different town so we were staying over in a hotel. We all had our own rooms and after the night out my friend called me to say he was coming to see me, I was drunk and laughed thinking he was joking and I got my pjs on and went to sleep, next thing I heard he was knocking on my door, I’d known him for ages I trusted him so I let him in, still very drunk I was falling all over the place and laughing, he was just laughing at me and we watched tv he kissed me and I kissed him back but I didn’t want to do anything else! I said no but he wasn’t listening I kept saying no over and over and over again but he did not care he was forcing me telling me to stop being stupid whilst pulling my hair out. I was going in and out of consciousness because I was still drunk but he didn’t care. I blamed myself for such a long time because I let him into my room, I kissed him back and I drank too much alcohol… but then I realised actually I let my friend into my room what’s wrong with that? I kissed him what’s wrong with that? I said no to having sex what’s wrong with that? Nothing is wrong with that and I am not to blame I wish I had reported it but I was scared of going into court being asked the questions why did I let him into my room and why did I kiss him I might have done that but I did not want to have sex


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