“When I say I’m feeling low, stop offering to buy me a shot”

  • I have struggled with poor mental health for over half of my life and at times it has made making and keeping friends quite difficult. At the moment though, I feel quite lucky. I know that I have a few friends who have got my back when I’m low, and have been there whilst I’ve been hospitalised, when I lost my job and my relationship and my home due to mental health issues. They are great friends and for the most part, they understand.
    What they don’t understand however, is how I struggle with alcohol. I usually go out, have a glass of wine and stop drinking. When I drink more, it goes one of two ways- the “life and soul of the party way” or the “sitting on the toilet feeling suicidal way”.We went away a few weekends ago, as one of the girls is getting married. I had more to drink than I should have, although nowhere near enough to be considered a normal night out for most of my friends. My mood plummetted, one minute I was prancing around on a pedestal actually belieing I was Freddie Mercury, then I was in the depths of depression, self loathing, wanting to hurt myself and unable to get the words out to say what was happening.

    One of my friends saw I was upset, disappeared and brough me another shot. Then she was offended when I said I didn’t want it. I know alcohol makes people insensitive, but we’ve been here so many times before. I try to explain when we are all sober that what I need is a friend, a taxi, and no one making a fuss.

    Alcohol is a depressant. When I start feeling depressed, I know to stop drinking. Buying me another shot does nothing but make it worse.

    It makes me feel like I’m abnormal. Like a normal person can just have a drink and put a bad day behind them and have fun. It brings out all the negative self-talk in me and things that have been emphasised by years of emotional abuse:
    “I’m selfish”
    “I’m crazy”
    “I’m too sensitive”
    “I’m a burden”

    Buying me another shot when I’ve said I want to go home makes me feel silenced. It makes me feel that no-one listens or cares about me. It makes me feel like I’m ruining everyone else’s evening. And when people stop inviting me out because this is what occassionally happens, it reinforces the belief I have that people would be better off without me.

    So, I’ll say it again. When I say I’m low and want go home, let’s go buy some chips and laugh at drunk people, DON’T BUY ME ANOTHER SHOT


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