“Please be patient”

I don’t need a lemsip and I’m sleeping lots. But I’m not ok. Please be patient. It is hard. To have depression and not be able to move. This week has been one of the worst weeks. I have experienced depression for a while but not as severe as this or to the extent that I have asked for as much help as I am at the moment.

I ached all day Monday and then Tuesday couldn’t get out of bed and then cried all afternoon, going off the radar from work. I’ve lost concentration and panic attacks have gotten worse. I then re-arranged my plans so I could stay in the city I live in and work from the office but people either thought I was better or that I still had the ‘bug’. Whereas in fact, for most part I was crying, staring in to space and wanting to be looked after. The noises were too much and I couldn’t deal with conversations. But I wanted to be around people but alone working all at the same time.

People don’t understand when you say ‘I’m not very well at the moment’ and you are then forced to apologise and play down how you feel whilst people talk of the flu’s going around and how great/awful lemsips are. When I’m feeling stronger, I’d want to play things down, I want to be ok only own grounds. But right now actually I don’t want to and more importantly don’t feel I can. I want to crack to you because if I don’t, I will all together.

So, I suppose this is to ask be patient with people and look out for others. At the moment, I want someone to sit with me or talk to me. But I feel a burden to my family, friends, colleagues and the job I love doing. If I was in another job, I would be off sick but being a student officer makes that so hard at times because I love it, I live it and it is about impact. I don’t want to be told I’m a bad student officer because of this. That is accentuating this. But what I have learnt this week, is that there are some great people out there and once you start talking people are generally good. Though, I say again, it is the fear and embarrassment of every day being sad and people feeling helpless in helping. Also, being offered medication isn’t necessarily a bad thing. This week has really made me think. If I had diabetes, I would take medication. With depression, sometimes medicine can help and if I decide to take the prescription, I’ve done so because I’ve decided it doesn’t make me weak and people need to be less quick to say it isn’t the option because actually it has made me feel weak asking for help. Well, actually I think I do.

Please be patient. Ask me how I am and mean it. Be at the end of a phone. Be with me so I can relax knowing I’m not alone and let’s talk. Lets talk about how we are feeling but let’s also talk about ‘normal’ things so I feel more ‘normal’, feel safer. Please. And never ever think it isn’t appreciated. It always will be.

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