“If I think for too long; too deeply, it all falls apart”

If I think, if I think for too long; too deeply, it all falls apart.

Sometimes I can feel my mind physically. I feel it as a separate entity. It has it’s own life, it’s own agenda, it’s own personality and subsequent paranoias. It sways atop a weak scaffold, its bleak up there. Its cold and dark and it makes me uncomfortable to think of the things my mind must have to do in order to survive this strange form of exile.

I’m never completely on speaking terms with it; like a work colleague one has to suffer and be civil to in order to get through the day without some kind of explosive confrontation.

I pity it. I feel that it pity’s me too and this only adds to the tension which lies between us. Sometimes I can feel it lose it’s balance; the scaffold begins to creak and crack and I can feel the panic take hold of it as it scrambles to find the point where it will be able to hold on if the structure begins to crumble and fall.

I stand by and watch.

I wait.

Occasionally I have enough strength to add another beam to hold the tower up for a little while longer. But with every close call another support is lost. I can only help for so long; eventually it will collapse completely and take my mind with it. Both hurtling in to oblivion. And then it will be free from its unsettling feeble frame of foundation. Free to hit the ground running and explore its fears and paranoia and I will be left watching from a crumbling tower of my own.

I just hope I have enough time to mend the scaffold before its too late


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