“My happily ever after “

I always joke I am the son my father didn’t have much to the bewilderment of anyone who listens because in the outlook I am very a femme female. Indeed, my chronic addiction to fascinators, see-through fabric and sequin is almost embarrassing. It occurred to me that I am in fact the gay son my father never had. I like playing with stereotypes as a way to show how silly they are. I am reclaiming my right to be what they say a real girl and a real boy ought to be. Only I am neither. I am both. I like to play. I wear shiny dresses, love high heels, watch period dramas, can’t read a map, do not understand manuals and sob at every opportunity even if there is no reason to sob. And I am a football fanatic, enjoy MMA, hate shopping, cannot fathom the handbag obsession, am terrified by squeaky girly nights in painting toe nails, am blissfully unaware of brands and labels, drink my dad under the table, and my idea of a hairdresser is my scissors. I love ABBA but I hate musicals.

Alas! Even scientists would agree I am a real boy. Today I read that a study found that “Tests on little boys prove that testosterone correlates with a sense of humour, which is why women just can’t take a joke” This fills me with utter joy as my girlfriend categorically denies my jokes are funny. It is she who cannot understand! It’s scientifically proven I am a genius comedian! Or was it real science? Or a spoof? I cannot understand a joke! I am a real girl, then!

That was all very amusing and all that but I will now run away from my stereotypes to elaborate on why I self define as gender fluid/ queer/ funny (as I call myself). Why indeed. I do not know what my levels of oestrogen or testosterone are and do not care. I have no clue why I am a feminist who likes to be a boy at times. I was not born with the wrong body like a lot of my beautiful friends, and my very own self definition as Trans* in terms of gender fluidity, in my case, is not just about my personality and interests mentioned above as such, but it is a personal choice that has come after soul searching, exploring my own identity as a whole, and questioning myself, too, as to whence that keen interest I have always had for Trans* issues (and pretty ladies!), for as long as I can recall comes. Maybe I want to be perfect. Really.

Let’s look at Fairy Tales. Yes, I heard you growling and asking for my head back there! I know the underlying ideology in fairy tales is to install submission in young girls and patriarchal privilege in boys. But wait! There is another way to read them.

I see them, too, as an allegory of the sacred marriage between our inner male and inner female. I explain. Every story tells of a quest to find something the character is lacking. It never really is only riches and status to be acquired after fighting bravely against fire, water, earth and air. They are only elements full of powerful sexual symbolism: a sword a phallic symbol, the cave or room as the womb, the elements that bond them together.

At the end of every tale the princess and the prince finally come together in freedom, and become one unique entity. The real quest is to find that part of the duality without which you are not complete. They live happily ever after because the positive and the negative and the elements, the God and the Goddess fuse together to create a manifestation of love and inner wholeness.

I believe I have found my feminine and masculine essence and my quest now is to allow them to balance each other and work together to make me a complete and fruitful person whatever comes. I want my happy ending.

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